Chapter Fifty-Nine: So Lonely

“Come sit up here with me, it’s so dull in the back row by yourself!” Leng Haoyang released the person he was holding and pulled her up to the front seat. Yang Ruining waved at her, greeting her, “I could tell it was you just from your voice, but he couldn’t. Ya Wen Yanqing, did you come alone?”

“No, I came with friends,” Dong Yanyan replied with a smile, settling in beside her.

“Boyfriend or girlfriend?” Zhang Lei asked.

“One boy and one girl, otherwise why would I run off to sit alone in a corner?” Dong Yanyan laughed.

“Really? We just happen to have a buddy here who’s single—how about you two sit together?” Zhang Dawei from the broadcasting class grinned at her.

Dong Yanyan gave him a perfunctory smile and waved him off, “Thanks, but tonight I’m here to swoon over King Li; I’m not interested in anyone else. I’ll just sit in the innermost seat, so I won’t disturb you guys.”

She gathered her things and was about to leave.

“Wait, wait—leave the snacks!” Leng Haoyang called out, and a few people rushed over, quickly snatching up her treats. Dong Yanyan gave Leng Haoyang a playful kick and ran off to a corner to nibble her fingers.

*

The movie ended after nine o’clock. The broadcasting class seniors left, arms around their girlfriends, off to sing karaoke and book rooms, leaving only a few from her own class. Dong Yanyan found Xu Gang and Gu Xiaohan, and the seven of them walked back together.

Outside, a familiar black Honda was parked in front of the cinema. Ren Jiaxuan rolled down the window and waved, “Hop in!”

“Thanks, Ren,” Leng Haoyang and the others climbed in, laughing. Dong Yanyan saw the car couldn’t fit all seven and so caught a taxi back to school with Xu Gang and Xiaohan.

On the way, Xiaohan and Xu Gang chatted enthusiastically, still caught up in the evening’s excitement. Dong Yanyan didn’t interject, remaining silent, content to play the third wheel. By ten o’clock, they returned to campus, slipping in just as the gates were locked and the lights went out.

Dong Yanyan pulled Gu Xiaohan back to the dorm, quickly washed up, and climbed into her bunk to sleep.

Xiaohan wasn’t sleepy at all, wrapped in a blanket and hugging the dorm phone, chatting with Xu Gang late into the night, making enough noise that Dong Yanyan tossed and turned, unable to sleep.

The dorm phone could only make internal calls or receive them, not dial out, which made Dong Yanyan feel stifled. If only she had a computer, someone to talk to during these sleepless nights. Even a cell phone would suffice—she could text or call her parents whenever she felt homesick. But her family hadn’t installed a phone yet, and keeping in touch with friends and family meant writing letters.

A cell phone? What if she tried dialing a number fifteen years from now—would it connect? The thought was both thrilling and nerve-wracking. She knew the odds were slim, but what harm in trying?

The next day, after delivering newspapers, she went to a nearby public phone booth and dialed her own cell number. Two seconds later, a mechanical female voice replied: “Sorry, the number you entered is incorrect. Please check and dial again.”

She refused to give up and tried Xu Cheng’s number, but received the same message. Determined, she called every number she knew—classmates, friends—but none could be reached.

The woman working at the booth looked at her, a little annoyed and puzzled.

Dong Yanyan could only smile awkwardly and put down the phone, heading back to school.

In the first-floor lobby, she saw a stack of letters on the mailroom windowsill and went over to sift through them. Her class had over ten letters; she found two addressed to herself, both from middle school friends. Receiving their letters was her greatest joy now—seeing their childish handwriting and recalling how they were back then.

Lin Feng sent the most, four letters. Two of them were written delicately, the handwriting somewhat familiar. She paused, suddenly remembering something, feeling a slight ache in her heart. She knew he liked corresponding with pen pals—gender unknown, relationships unclear.

Lost in thought, she returned to her classroom, opened the door, and saw Lin Feng and Yang Lili sitting by the window, Lin Feng’s arm draped over Yang Lili’s shoulder, the two of them whispering intimately, heads close together.

Such scenes were nothing new to Dong Yanyan, though this time it stung a little more. She tried her best to appear unaffected as she handed out the letters, hesitating when she picked up Lin Feng’s. After a moment, she placed all the dorm’s mail on Jiang Fan’s desk, smiling, “Jiang Fan, letters for your dorm.”

“Thanks.” Jiang Fan looked up and smiled.

“Yanyan, do I have any mail?” Lin Feng called from the back.

“I’ve got it—here you go!” Jiang Fan tossed him two letters. Dong Yanyan glanced back, noticing that Jiang Fan had mixed the other two letters in with his own.

“Let me see! Who are those from?” Yang Lili joked, grabbing the letters.

“They’re all old buddies from middle school.” Lin Feng nonchalantly tore open an envelope, Yang Lili leaning in curiously.

What is a buddy? Someone who always covers for you, wherever you are.

Suddenly, Dong Yanyan felt absurd. Why was she covering for him, too? If she posted about this online, she’d get enough bricks thrown at her to build a villa.

Sometimes, morals are one thing, but feelings are irrational.

Dazed, she wandered downstairs, just in time to see Xu Cheng carrying several thermoses and knocking on the door of the neighboring dorm. Liu Siying came out to take the thermoses, exchanged a few words with him, and Xu Cheng, cheerful as ever, turned to go upstairs, nodded at Dong Yanyan, and left without looking back.

Dong Yanyan’s nose stung: she hadn’t fetched hot water yet. Xu Cheng used to fetch water for their dorm, and even helped with her meals. Now, it wasn’t her turn anymore.

She couldn’t blame him—it was she who had given up first. Since she no longer wanted a future with him, why did she still care if she existed in his eyes?

She reached her dorm room, finding the door locked. Li Hui had gone home, Xinran and Yu Xia were out shopping, Leng Yue had taken a temp job promoting at the supermarket, Liu Ying was helping her, Xiaohan and Tiantian were probably out with Xu Gang.

She knew everyone had their own lives, but at this moment, she suddenly felt abandoned by the whole world.

In the past, even when her parents couldn’t care for her, she still had a home, a husband and child, a modest but cozy apartment. She worked hard for her living, but never worried about basic needs. When Lulu was in kindergarten, she had plenty of time to go online, write, shop, and do whatever she liked.

She had no savings and life was tough, but she felt at ease.

But now, what did she have besides this young, fragile body? She had worked so hard to have a home in this city, but now had to start over. She suddenly felt exhausted: God, did you send me back just to strip me of everything once more?

She opened the door. The room was cold and empty, the heater barely warm. She climbed to her bunk, burrowed under the covers, and slept with her head hidden.